Most men over forty can tell you their last blood pressure reading. Fewer can tell you the last time they felt truly close to another person.Â
As an over forties man, what's your truest definition of intimacy? Has your answer changed in the last year, without you noticing?Â
If you're anything like me the word intimacy evokes the idea of being physically close with a romantic partner.Â
The term implies intimate moments with that special person. A warm embrace that may or may not lead to a sexual encounter.Â
When we take the time to look under the surface, intimacy has a broader interpretation and this is typically determined by cultural, societal, religious and personal values.
For example, in the west intimacy is generally romanticised whilst in the east, it is generally recognised in group relationships.
Some faiths endorse a deep intimate relationship with their deity whilst others form intimacy with inanimate objects or even celestial bodies.Â
In the west, it is widely acceptable to have an intimate relationship with a pet such as a cat, dog or horse.
According to the Collins Thesaurus and Oxford Dictionary learning system, the noun intimacy covers three distinct territories: the closeness of friendship and familiarity; the physical and sexual; and the simple privacy and warmth of feeling safe with someone. Most of us only ever think about the middle one.Â
Has looking at these definitions influenced your thoughts of what intimacy means to you?
From a health, fitness and wellbeing perspective, there are multiple studies to support the view that intimacy is an essential part of life which not only extends life but improves its quality, meaning and purpose.Â
Further studies show that intimate relationships (which may not be sexually motivated or with a special romantic partner) can help us to overcome difficult challenges that occur during the course of a long, healthy and fulfilling life.Â
As British psychoanalyst John Bowlby put it in his landmark work Attachment and Loss (1980), intimate attachments to others form the hub around which a person's life revolves, not just in childhood, but right through to old age.Â
In The Art of Happiness, Howard C. Cutler makes the case that close, supportive relationships have a direct, measurable impact on health. Here's the honest part: it may not be the people you'd choose. We usually already know who actually shows up for us, who affirms us, empathises, shows real affection, whether or not they're who we'd pick on paper. That level of intimacy correlates with our ability to survive and recover from health challenges, big or small.Â
In the chapter “Stay Connected to Others, You'll Be Happier and Live Longer,” Rabbi Daniel Lapin quotes cardiologist Dr. Gunnar Biörck, physician to the Swedish royal family: “Convalescence carries a specific danger, the loss of contact with friends, neighbours and family, and that isolation is often where loneliness, then depression, take hold.” Lapin closes the chapter with a line from Dr. James Lynch's A Broken Heart: The Medical Consequences of Loneliness: “Health and relationships go hand in hand.”Â
As over forties men our sense of independence, self-directness and responsibility can cause us to inadvertently neglect the nurturing of intimate relationships with friends, neighbours and close associates. However, the evidence suggests that should we want to continue living a long, meaningful and purposeful life, this would be one of the most rewarding actions we can take.
Humans have always thrived in community. The difference now is that in the 21st century, building one takes intention, it won't just happen to you the way it might have in a small town two generations ago. So here's the challenge: find your people. Nurture them. Build the tribe deliberately, the way you'd build strength or discipline in any other part of your life. It won't happen overnight, and it shouldn't. Anything worth relying on is built slowly but when the day comes that you or someone you love needs it, you'll be glad it's already there.
Further Reading
https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english-thesaurus/intimacy
https://www.oxfordlearnersdictionaries.com/definition/english/intimacy
Chapter: A New Model for Intimacy, Book: The Art of Happiness (A Handbook for Living) – HH Dalai Lama & Howard C Cutler.
Chapter: Stay Connected To Others You'll Be Happier and Live Longer, Book: Thou Shall Prosper – Rabbi Daniel Lapin
4 comments
Thank-you Cuz, for this thought provoking article.
I strongly think the reason why the first thought of intimacy brings to mind a relationship of a romantic type, sits within how we are taught. Very often the first time the word is mentioned to us in a younger years it linked to how we are taught about sexual education.
The brain therefore goes to that first point of learning giving us an almost fixed notion.
However if initially when introducing the word to a young mind, was delivered with a far more broader perception it would be set at that stage.
This brings me to
the thought that, life is all about learning. Which means those of us whom choose to observe life and its meaning will naturally come to the realisation that, intimacy is in actual as how you describe, its sits outside of sexual interaction, which we learn when are in dissatisfying relationships. Humans need more than physical intimacy.
Personally I view this concept as meaningful relationships, starting with self and extending to others.
So we attract like for like. If we love healthy conversation we attract those that we ultimately engage into topics that have great personal meaning, we in turn feel fulfilled.
A further example of physical intimacy for me as a woman is to be embraced with someone I have care and affection for no romance at all.
Hugs and cuddles are one of my favourite forms of intimacy as the duration is linked to whoever it is shared with at the given time.
My ultimate examples are hugs with my parents, children and grandchildren.
So where did I learn this and why is it important.
Both my parents loved a hug.
My Dad in particular hugged me till I thought I’d pop open. Now in my maturer years a hug from a male is meaningful, giving the unconscious message of, “I love you and you are safe!”
To conclude intimacy is both emotional and physical requiring a safe place with two or more in alignment.
Great piece..🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿
Love this 1 Bro. It has really made me think and it has educated me too. You learn something new every day I guess.
Keep shining Bruv🖤🖤🖤
I love this sentiment, it made me think of 3 things:
1) Maslows Hierachy,
2) The fact that in in Greek there are several words for Love (Agape etc) and this could be telling as to why, in English we generalise the meaning as opposed to explore the varying types which would shed light on intimacy.
3) Invest time intimacy, as if that day comes we may need a Return on that Investment.